(Written February 6th, 2017)
On Dec 28, 2016, I had discovered that your dad was kind of drowning in life, drowning in his darkness. This was also the day I discovered your life inside me. I was met with a conflicted joy. But, God knew what he was doing. Over the course of that week your dad found repentance, found peace, found his Savior again. The next day I shared with the family that I was pregnant – we cried, happy tears, surrounding the dining table overjoyed of the baby growing inside mommy’s tummy. Your dad and I cried because we felt grace and goodness.
I found this name and it stuck with me, Tobias means “God is good” – God had been so good to us. In the next few days, I started calling you Tobias Crew, in my dreams, in my thoughts, and in my prayers for you and our family I referred to you as Tobias. He has always been faithful, he has always been gracious, and we now felt his goodness in his timing of all that we’d gone through. This was a miracle pregnancy, not only in the timing of things, but typically I’m hit with horrible nausea, with you I felt amazing! I felt great!
This week though, your 8th week, I started bleeding. And today I lost you. Still trying to process how this happened, why it happened. Not sure what God’s plan is, but He is still good. I have memories of you to hold onto: telling family and friends about you- the joy; telling your brother about you – he was really excited to be your big brother.
I have held you in my womb, I have loved you, I have grieved you, I have dreamed for you, I have prayed for you. I have thoughts stored forever in my heart of your life and how it changed our family, how your life will always be a ‘stone of remembrance’ for us. Remembering God is good.
Psalm 34:8 “O taste and see that the Lord is good. How blessed is the man that takes refuge in Him.”
I love you my sweet Tobias and I can’t wait to hold you again one day.